Erik and Emil are personal development junkies. These are the most IMPORTANT INSIGHTS from 2019. After a 2018 of pain and struggles, we have rising from the ashes and take us on 2019 with power and passion and this is the reflection and reaping the rewards of what we have learned
[00:00:01] Last year, I spend the last four days in a little cabin in the middle of the forest. A cabin covered with snow. I had my phone off and the only thing I did was to sit still. Reflect and write about what happened last year. And for me, that was so needed. 2018 was a year full of challenges. Where I got to see how far have I really come. The process of sitting down for four days in silence, I had done many years in a row and I highly recommend that to learn as much as possible from the year that I passed.
[00:00:50] This year, though, I’ll be doing it a little bit different.
[00:00:55] Instead, I have been doing my reflection together with my good friend and the founder of great Erik Bergman.
[00:01:07] Erik? How are you today?
[00:01:11] Hello, William Hill today. I am. I’m actually a bit nauseous. I had a horrible experience yesterday that still stays with me.
[00:01:27] As has as you know, I’m I’m a tie boxer as I was a tie boxing and. There is this little guy there who is always on all the classes where I’m at and I really like him and.
[00:01:42] He got so beaten up last night.
[00:01:47] I mean, in such a horrible way and I’m talking about my penis.
[00:01:56] And so I was I got this arch enemy there. His name is Sean. He’s stronger than me. He’s better than me. He’s definitely more annoying than me.
[00:02:06] He’s a really good guy. We’re having a fun time fighting each other and he tends to win.
[00:02:11] And just today, we went into this clinch. It’s when you grab each other by the neck and you’re trying to meet each other and you’re aiming for for the sides of the body or the head. And at one point, I lifted my knee up to hit him. And imagine, like, I’m standing like a dog trying to pee.
[00:02:35] And then his knees comes and it’s just straight up like a torpedo aiming right for my my beloved little friend in LA.
[00:02:48] And I’m not sure if I felt that excruciating pain in my life. I just fell down. I was shivering. I could barely breathe. And I was just creaming.
[00:03:02] And I was wearing like a proper cup and so had a metal cup and it barely helped. And by now, my my testicles are back down where they’re supposed to be.
[00:03:16] And but I’m still feeling I saw him. Yeah. My toe groin area.
[00:03:23] So that’s. Well, most horrible experiences of her as a fellow man have a lot of empathy for pain.
[00:03:33] It’s not an experience.
[00:03:35] Her video reflection, I felt I needed to get that story out of here. And if if I’m suddenly fainting, that’s as well I could.
[00:03:48] But yet reflection. Yeah, I’m here with with my good buddy Emily, who has his both balls, as far as I know.
[00:03:56] And he’s the first employee, first tea made in ingrates and one of my absolute smartest people I’ve met. And we’re doing this reflection call together. And I believe there is such a value in in reflecting and looking back at things that have happened.
[00:04:15] What did I learn from it? What did I learn from it? And how could I have done this differently? And when you’re.
[00:04:23] Like me, you don’t really like to sit still, you rather go out punching people in and getting vengeance for your blue balls.
[00:04:31] It can be pretty hard, but I recommended anyway. Yeah, this was a long start. What is this podcast about them?
[00:04:41] We do this podcast because we want to inspire people who think that the world can be a better place, transparent or ship.
[00:04:51] So people who wants to grow personally and grow their business and make.
[00:04:59] Things around him a bit better.
[00:05:01] Yeah, sounds good. So tell me, how’s two thousand and nineteen? Then how? Let’s start in January. How was how did this year start for you?
[00:05:11] Well, before I say that, something that I said struck me when we introduced it, that we did the reflection together this year.
[00:05:19] A huge change for me this year has been that I’m doing a lot more activities with other people. Almost all activities I’m doing is with other people.
[00:05:30] And that is a huge change. I haven’t really thought of that before and I feel like I’ve learned more in this year than I probably ever have.
[00:05:38] That’s really interesting. You have.
[00:05:40] Yeah. Now, when you mentioned it, you’ve always described yourself as a bit of a loner who really loves your alone time.
[00:05:46] Yeah. And now you’re never alone. I’m.
[00:05:51] I think.
[00:05:53] I’m like half introvert, half extrovert, but I’m the extreme in both ways. So I’d like to be super deep and very engaged with people or I like to be completely on my own. Just sitting still, staring at a wall, not doing anything like not watching serious, nothing like that. But my this year my introverted side has got no space at all. I’m planning one day per week now where it’s introvert time in my calendar where I’m just phone off. I’m not allowed to do anything. I still need this.
[00:06:24] So are you trying to guilt me into having this public reflection instead of you being four days in a cabin right now?
[00:06:32] Say that again.
[00:06:33] Are you trying to give me guilt? No, because I’m making you do your reflection as two people instead of giving you your introverted time, four days in a cabin.
[00:06:41] Hey, I’m willing to try new things. I thought this would be horrible, but I’m I’m really enjoying it.
[00:06:47] So let’s go at it because you’re here. Yeah. How did you decide for me? Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Let’s go back there. How did you guys go back there?
[00:06:55] Well, the beginning of this year for me, I was exhausted cause in 2018 I really got. Tested by life, and I wasn’t going it through anything horrible or anything like that, but life really showed me this is how far you have come in relationships. This is how far you come in handling adversity and challenging situations before you mentally start to break down and.
[00:07:29] Yeah, a lot of change was initiated. How did you get to see that? How did life show you how far you’ve gotten?
[00:07:35] For example, I was going through a very painful breakup in the end of 2018, and after that I was at a seminar in Stockholm.
[00:07:43] And this was bitter.
[00:07:46] I would say she’s a spiritual teacher, slash psychologist, slash relationship expert. She’s American and her name is Tito Swan. And the way she’s doing workshop is that she has 300 people in the room. Anyone that has a question raises their hand. And then she’s using her intuition to pick the person that has a question. That is the most relevant for the entire audience. So I’m going there. I have no question. I’m a little bit late and I can only stay for two hours. So I’m going there just in time for the first question. And I’m just thinking, well, if I raise my hand and I get picked.
[00:08:20] Probably there’s something that just raised my hand having a question. First person I’ve picked. OK. You in the back.
[00:08:29] Or a purple shirt or whatever that color was me.
[00:08:34] I’m starting to pump.
[00:08:38] So this is it in a 7 or like a room with 300 people and she’s onstage and she’s taking people up on the stage. Have you ever been on a stage in front of 300 people before?
[00:08:50] No, never. I think the biggest amount of people I spoke for before is 100 people.
[00:08:58] I guess you’re going up there. Yes.
[00:09:00] Heart’s pumping. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo sector.
[00:09:04] That music. Yeah. And I don’t have a question, but I ask. I never feel lonely. Is there something wrong with me? And then we start digging and we start to dig in relationships, and she really showed me patterns that I have. That was the reasons why my last relationship didn’t work out.
[00:09:27] She showed me that I’m completely incapable of being vulnerable and honest in certain areas of my life’s. So for two hours, he’s just grilling me and exposing a lot of my flaws.
[00:09:41] You were on stage for two hours. No, no. One hour. You have a of still one hour. Yes. And she’s on CNN. Basically had a psychologist, psychiatrist session in front of 300 people digging through your flaws in relationships.
[00:09:56] I was so nervous. You have no idea.
[00:09:59] My hope. But I look if you look at this, if you want to see this, this video is on YouTube right now.
[00:10:04] It has like 70000 use. So I was an excellent guinea pig for certain patterns and relationships. And she talked about attachment theory. And I have the avoidant type. So we’ll put that link in the descriptions of the links in the description. You can see me look kind of composed in this video. But on the inside, I’m shaking like a leaf.
[00:10:29] It’s a very special feeling actually having 300 people. Just pay attention to me. Yeah, I can imagine.
[00:10:39] Yes, I felt just my defenses was melting down and 300 people was just. Come on, let it out. More open. See how you feel. But I couldn’t do it that far.
[00:10:53] Ok, so you’re your big realisation here was that you weren’t as in as honest and as in tune with your emotions as you thought you were?
[00:11:03] Not at all. And especially when it came to. Emotions that would make me look. Incapable, weak, inconvenient emotions. I was really struggling to show. Yeah, that makes sense. So I use my head to protect myself from that.
[00:11:26] So what’s what’s happening out? So this was 2018. Yes. And you felt good. You mentioned that you were shown your weaknesses or your limitations in other areas as well, because this is on the emotional side of things.
[00:11:41] Say that again.
[00:11:42] This is then the emotional side of things. And you mentioned earlier that you binge is soda your limitations in other areas as well?
[00:11:48] Yes. So I was I was playing poker halftime, working at great halftime, playing poker as a professional back then. And I was going through this horrible downswing where I was non-stop lost for four months. And that really it was one of the worst downswings I’ve been through.
[00:12:07] And downswings is when you lose money over a period of time.
[00:12:10] Yeah. Yeah. So I was really being tested in how much can my psyche get squeezed through facing challenges and adversity before I start breaking down that meaning feeling pity for myself, complaining, starting to play a really bad feel like the universe is against me. So I have an inner belief that I choose to believe in that everything is happening for me. And I started to lose that belief back then. I felt like, no, this is happening against me.
[00:12:44] So when you see everything happening for you, even the situations where you where it’s hard to see that this is good for you. You believe that it is good for you.
[00:12:52] Yes. And it took me to a point where I couldn’t see that this is good for me anymore.
[00:12:58] Ok. So two thousand and eighteen to some that I bought a beer, it was a really painful year that showed you a lot of things about yourself and challenge you in in lots of ways.
[00:13:08] They showed me how far have I come?
[00:13:12] Yeah, it sounds like my 2007 reality check. A reality check. It was last year. Reality check. It sounds like my 2017 when me and my now fiance, they broke up and I left the country and whatever I did was like, fuck, I’m not where I think I am a hero. Jeremy Kate, that sentence really sum that up. I’m not where I think I am, not what I think. Yeah.
[00:13:36] So painful, but humbling experience. So to answer your question.
[00:13:41] After a super long rant is speaking about 2019. Yeah.
[00:13:46] I was assaulted in the beginning of 2019. I was humbled by the experience and I just knew I had a lot of work to do when it comes to relationship, honesty and vulnerability. So I had a burning desire to get better.
[00:14:04] Ok, so here you’re in this house reflecting four years ago for four days. One year ago. Yeah.
[00:14:11] And did you understand this then? These are the things you wanted to learn in 2019.
[00:14:16] Yeah. Cause it became so bloody obvious if you watched that video on YouTube, which I highly recommend it. So it’s a very good video.
[00:14:25] So it was kind of like. When you’re gonna.
[00:14:28] So something in the earth first you’d use a plow, right, just to get the air.
[00:14:36] Get the soil soft. Yes, I was plowed into Tulsa on 18 and I was just resting, preparing and sowing new seeds that I can hopefully reap benefit from later.
[00:14:51] I can see that. So how did you go about this in 2019 then?
[00:14:55] And what is this?
[00:14:56] If I’m asked all these adversities, the things you wanted to learn. It could start with a relationship aspect of this.
[00:15:02] Then how did you how do you start learning these things? If you if you realize, hey, I I’m not good at relationships, that vulnerability and honesty, how do you practice?
[00:15:15] Practice sharing how I really feel. For example, someone asked me, how are you? Instead of responding. I’m good. Which is the most common lie, I think, to the most common question, how are you? Instead, try to really tune in and say how I felt in that moment. You know, maybe I’m a little a bit. Especially if it’s a challenging emotion. Inconvenient. Before that, I would never say that I’m anxious or I’m sad or I’m going through something difficult.
[00:15:44] But I really wanted to practice to share more of myself. In everyday situations. Exactly. So. That’s a good tip. Sid, you said that you got plowed, too, in 2017. And I know that you have been working hard on being honest.
[00:16:04] How have you been practicing honesty in your life?
[00:16:09] Yeah. So 2017 was for me, similar to how you describe 2018. It was a year I went through a breakup by.
[00:16:20] I just left my company you had been with for five, eight years, depending on how you look at it. And my entire identity got got challenged and we ended up getting back together, me and Jóhann after spending four or five months apart.
[00:16:36] And me really feeling that. Okay. I desperately want to solve this. And our main challenge was that we have very different sex drive. So I always wanted more sex than she wanted. And that got us into a lot of tricky situations with.
[00:16:56] Putting I mean, after a while, what that led to was.
[00:17:02] Every time that we kissed, I brought up the intensity a little bit more and she kind of pulled back. So then suddenly kisses became a gateway to sex and we couldn’t really kiss because that could lead to some things. So then she didn’t really want to kiss. And then that led to like even looking at each other could get to the same point. Like, if we’re looking to each other now, then it means that we’re gonna kiss. Then it means that we’re gonna have sex and we let it. We ended up in a situation where there was a lot of tricky energies around everything and that was really, really hard to talk about. It’s really hard to talk about sex. It’s really hard to talk about struggles in general in a relationship.
[00:17:42] So I think what you’re sharing now is, for me, a beautiful example of being honest and vulnerable.
[00:17:50] Yeah. Thank you.
[00:17:53] So this is this is a perfect example of sharing something you’re going through that is difficult. Where you show. I don’t have this figured out yet. So I think end of 2018. I couldn’t even see that this is vulnerability. Now I’m starting to see it.
[00:18:11] You wouldn’t even have gotten to that. That’s what it is. What would you have seen as?
[00:18:16] I wouldn’t have seen what you do now as a strength, as something that could inspire people because it’s relatable to other people that go through the same thing can connect with you now. So I couldn’t see how what you just shared, how useful that is in building relationships, that certain cities usefulness of it.
[00:18:36] That’s a good example of it. So you would basically hear such a story as a cry for attention rather than something beneficial and useful for other people.
[00:18:47] Maybe a cry for attention. Or at least I couldn’t see the entire how beneficial it is.
[00:18:55] Yeah. How relatable it makes you.
[00:18:59] Yeah, it will. Some got up then this is struggles that we’ve been going through and I just didn’t know how to solve it. And we ended up in a situation where we started being extremely honest with each other and actually talking about this pain.
[00:19:16] So I felt a lot of anger towards her for seven years of her saying no to me and just telling her that I’m feeling so much anger towards you for something that I quote unquote shouldn’t feel angry for, because she obviously has the right to say no.
[00:19:36] But I did. And just having those conversations and that’s been a theme of this year, having a lot of those very painful but yet very honest conversations. And it’s been building up to that. So the PLA was in 2017 and we were putting a lot of seeds into the ground in 2018 and 2019. There’s been a plow going around over here and there as well. Sounds like you’re still plowing. Yeah. Just something that you saw the benefit of plowing in to testify, something to you. Let’s say 2017 was a year of plowing where everything was just about to plow. And this year there is still a plow going around over here and there. But most of it is a very peaceful kohm reaping of the benefits. It’s been a much, much Colomer year than 2017 was. The feeling that this might be tricky to follow for an outsider. How would you sum up? Two thousand and nineteen from your kind of emotional journey and what could someone else take with him from that? Well.
[00:20:58] I met the woman, now that I feel very, very strong emotions for exactly one year later after I broke up with my last girlfriend, and this relationship have started the completely opposite way than the last one where I practice being so totally honest with everything I feel, with my fears, with my doubts, honest with what my desires are.
[00:21:21] And it’s I’m just.
[00:21:25] I never felt this happy in a relationship ever actually thinking life in general. I have never felt this happy.
[00:21:35] I have tools now to really connect with someone.
[00:21:41] And I can see looking back that this would never have happened without being exposed to the plow in 2018. So I’m now I’m really reaping the rewards of being plowed, but I couldn’t see it back then, so I guess some kind of point here that I would like to send back to. And male 1 2 years ago is.
[00:22:06] But there is a lot of benefits that can be reaped from adversity and still when someone is in adversity, that’s kind of the worst thing you could tell them.
[00:22:18] So I’m not saying tell that to someone that is going through a difficult time, but just for my own knowing, next time I’m going through something very painful.
[00:22:28] Keep in mind that this will be used later to plant new seeds. This can be used as.
[00:22:37] A way for me to really grow as a person.
[00:22:41] So it take the quote. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Is it really true? And if you’re going through something tough, maybe. Just thinking about that. This is actually beneficial for me one way or another can make it at least a little bit easier to handle it.
[00:22:59] Yeah, exactly.
[00:23:00] So something I would tell myself now is that, OK, I’m going through something very painful, this is going to help me. I don’t know how it’s going to help me, but I know that some how it will help me. And what’s important for me is that that doesn’t mean that I have to pretend that I’m liking my circumstances. If I’m being plowed, I think I’m very much allowed to say, I hate this. This sucks. I don’t like this experience at all yet.
[00:23:30] Know that it will help me in the future.
[00:23:36] And I can see that.
[00:23:40] How would you sum up what we talked about so far and packets so it can be useful for someone listening to this podcast?
[00:23:47] Let me start by just repeating what you said or what I took with me from that. So the importance of when you’re suffering, at least ask yourself the question. Do I believe that this could be beneficial for me in the future and. Thinking that it’s very likely that I will learn something from this or that it will make big changes in my life, that will be good.
[00:24:15] And just by asking that question and looking for what could be positive with this is likely to make it at least a bit easier to deal with that pain.
[00:24:27] I would say so, but also have to protect from this.
[00:24:30] I think that when I’m going through something where I’m in the middle of the pain, like it’s unbearable to be in my body because I have so much anxiety and I’m being so challenged. I think that it’s not a time to try to put a positive spin on it, but it’s more like an in an internal confirmation that says someday we’ll see the positive in this.
[00:24:53] But that is not this day. This day I’m allowed to think that this is horrible.
[00:24:59] So be okay with feeling the pain. And at the same time, knowing that somewhere far away by the horizon, horizon is a light bulb waiting for it to be lit.
[00:25:09] And that is faith for me.
[00:25:13] Yeah. Now you’re going into two spiritual terms for me, but I’m I’m sticking with it. Life is good.
[00:25:22] So how would I sum up my ear from personal and emotional, basically been.
[00:25:33] More and more honest in more and more situations, and I have a strong and passionate belief that I want to be a person who is honestly sharing everything at all times. And I’m not there. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. But at least I’m in a place where I’m sharing a lot more than I did before, especially with Johanna, my fiance. But also with people around me. And that has put me in a lot of fairy.
[00:26:04] Painful and awkward situations.
[00:26:09] But I’ve always felt that I’ve come out stronger from it and it can be just a small thing as saying no to a friends dinner invitation because I actually don’t want to do that or it can be something big as it will. Me and Jóhannes spend four months apart and some months ago we told each other about everything that happened during that time we spent apart, which was a very honest and very painful conversation. Because you don’t want to hear what you or your fiance say of your girlfriend of seven years have done for the past four months when you were somewhere else.
[00:26:48] And at the same time, I came out of it a lot stronger. I came out of it. I’m very, very happy we had that conversation instead of having secrets for each other for the rest of our lives and things that we don’t actually talk about.
[00:27:05] So I really like how you think. A great beginner advice in the term of being honest and vulnerable is to start answering the question, how are you with something else than good?
[00:27:20] It feels like a great place to start. So.
[00:27:27] How would you summarize the benefit of your approach of leaving no stone stone unturned because you are bringing up things I know to Yohanan. That is super inconvenient that you wouldn’t have to tell her. What rewards do you see yourself reaping in the future with her?
[00:27:52] So first and foremost, I feel a lot bigger connection to her in general, it feels like if I’m telling her everything there is to know about me, she actually knows me. She can love me for me.
[00:28:05] And I feel more in love with her than I’ve done ever. And we’ve known each other for 10 years. I feel more passionate about her than I’ve ever done.
[00:28:16] And I think this is a lot because of this, that previously there was parts of me that I didn’t show her things about me, that I didn’t say things that I urge as I had or thoughts that I had or whatever that might have been. And if I don’t show her that she can’t actually be in love with me. She can only be in love with the version of me that I’m showing her.
[00:28:41] And. It’s justs.
[00:28:47] I feel a coldness in my body that I will actually showed everything. And it’s hard to explain without turning this into a five hour podcast.
[00:29:00] All in all, it just everything feels I feel a safety that there is nothing she can find. There is no question she could ask that I haven’t already told her about.
[00:29:12] And there’s been a lot of painful conversations getting to that point. So it made sense that Erik 2018 was afraid to have those conversations because those conversations had been pain. And Erik 2008 thousand. He was afraid of pain. Erik, 2019 is still afraid of pain.
[00:29:30] But now I’ve had most of that pain. Painful conversations behind me and I feel very ready to take on the next challenges.
[00:29:40] And how would you say its affect the trust between you two because you’re being more authentic now?
[00:29:48] I’ve always felt a strong trust to her.
[00:29:54] So I’m not sure if that so the tricky part is I’ve always felt a strong trust to her, but I’m not sure if that has been a defense mechanism, trust that haven’t really been genuine and just imagined.
[00:30:07] And now we’re going out there in the spiritual, tricky world. I’m not sure if I am.
[00:30:15] I believe that it has really had a significant impact on the trust that I’m feeling and that she’s feeling.
[00:30:22] And at the same time, I don’t think it’s really noticeable because I think there wasn’t an imagined trust there before.
[00:30:28] And the trust there before.
[00:30:33] Yeah. I don’t have a good way of describing it.
[00:30:36] All right, so how would you feel about switching the gear here?
[00:30:43] Well, we’re already a long way into this episode, so it depends on if we want to keep opening a lot of loops or you want to end it here.
[00:30:51] What’s your take on it?
[00:30:53] Let’s end it and let’s take the second part of this conversation as a separate podcast.
[00:30:59] Yeah, I think that makes more sense.
[00:31:01] It became a much longer two thousand and nineteen emotional conversation than anticipated.
[00:31:07] Yeah, I like it. Just something you want to add.
[00:31:16] Yeah, I’d like to encourage you listening to just reflect on what. Where were you one year ago? What took you to that place like? Was 2018 a good year, a struggling year? And what have you learned from 2019 and what are you looking for in 2020? I think that’s just a very valuable hour or hours or four days in a cabin to spend.
[00:31:45] I agree. When we created this podcast and we mapped out all the changes, both you and me I made. And we probably got to 20 percent of them in this episode. I felt a sense of proudness. It’s like you don’t see your own kid grow right to grow so small. I look back at what your kid looked like in a year a year ago. Then you see big changes. Well, they have teeth. Now what’s going on? It’s very true.
[00:32:12] Yeah. And I’d like to ask for help. So we are doing this podcast because we believe that entrepreneurship is the way to make the world a better place. And we want to build a community of people sharing this vision with us. And we really, really need some good ratings on i-Tunes to get more listeners to this podcast. Are you listening? If you like this, please go to i-Tunes and give us a five star rating and write something really kind about us or really about about us if you want. But at least consider going there and give us some help.
[00:32:53] Thank you, Erik. See you next week. Thank you. Cheers.