#43 – HOW and WHY to SAY NO!

Summary

We have a lot of good ideas, implementing them to reality is something different. This is a story about our challenges.

Transcript

[00:00:01] No.

[00:00:03] It’s an interesting word, isn’t it? It’s only two letters long. And still, it’s probably the most powerful and yet also the scariest word in the entire English language.

[00:00:19] And today we will be talking about saying no and why that is so important, both in person, alive and in business.

[00:00:30] Me, myself, I’m convinced that being able to say no is such a crucial key to be able to have a happy life. And I have a lot of good ideas about how to say no. The thing is that these ideas, they work very well in that land of unicorns and rainbows, the ideal world where everything turns out perfect. But unfortunately, I realized that I live in the messy world of humans where I have emotions and desires and all these kind of things. That makes me not really do what I have said that I will do. For example, this week I was making a video on YouTube about how to say no to friends. Dinner invitation. And my buddy was filming me and I couldn’t find the right words to say, and I was like, had a little bit of a headache. Why am I so tired? And I realized, oh, yeah, I was up until 1:30 in the morning, the day before when I told myself that I should go to bed. And I did that because I had a friend that I hadn’t seen in six months and he was coming over for dinner. So I was having a dinner with Matt and I realized that. I’m too tired to do my video about how to say no to friends dinner invitation because I didn’t say no to my friends dinner invitation. I realize that I need help. And also that saying, no, it’s a more tricky thing in reality than in the ideal world. And it’s something that. At least I continuously want to practice doing Erik. That was a long rant.

[00:02:14] Say something City would like and started with this for a while. This is such a smooth intro we’re doing. We’re playing together. And unlike who. This is the longest interim ever, but I’m enjoying it. So I’m gonna say no, I’m not going to interrupt you. I wanted to keep going forever. Ever.

[00:02:33] All right. Then I will do a brief introduction of my co-partner in this podcast. Erik BioMom, the founder of Great dot com. One of my best friends, one of the most initiative taking people that I know, an implementer from out of this world. That’s all I say about you today, Erik.

[00:02:55] I’m very good. I’m excited about this. I didn’t think I would be excited about this.

[00:02:59] I got this. Feel like I don’t want a podcast today, but I wasn’t strong enough to say no. No, I actually didn’t want to say no. I want to do this because I’m here with you, my beautiful body Emil who looks a bit a little bit like Pudi pie for you who haven’t met him. Really beautiful, beautify. And he is the first guy who joined me into this project of great. Here’s the host of this podcast and annoyingly smart and funny and fun to do a podcast with. And we’re here doing the podcast. Becoming Great, which is a podcast for all. We want to create a better world. And we believe that entrepreneurship is the way to do that. So this is a podcast for people who wants to be part of that community and creating a better world through entrepreneurship.

[00:03:48] That is right. And right now, we’re doing this according at 6:00 p.m. at night instead of 8:00 a.m., as we normally do. I have a bit ofa. It fits like in front of a fireplace, some out wood. And we’re telling stories to each other. That’s the kind of mood I have now. I feel more playful than normal. When we’re in business mode, we want to get things done.

[00:04:14] I’m not going to stick that again. But all you’re gonna have a feeling, though, it’s usually a planned stuff.

[00:04:20] And Emily’s just going all over the thing. He feels like feels like I’m trying to do a protocols with a golden retriever.

[00:04:28] I’m not going to do something else. This is going to happen a lot in this episode. Isn’t it?

[00:04:34] Yeah. No, because I’m going to practice to say no. I’m going to say no. Golden retriever. No.

[00:04:40] So how much are you saying no in your life? Is this something you are struggling with? Or is it something you’re very good at?

[00:04:50] It’s something that I’m getting better at. And I would still say that I’m struggling. The first story that comes to mind for me is I went to the cinema the other day and I went to see this really depressing movie, The Joker. And I knew when we went to this movie that I was like, I don’t want to see this movie. It’s a depressing movie. I want a laugh. I don’t want to see depressing movies. But we still went to this movie. And one minute in to this movie, this clown who, you know, is just going to have a really shitty life and gets beaten up by a bunch of kids. And it’s just really sad and really miserable. And I feel that I could really affected by bad things on TV. I don’t want to see that. And I just feel I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be or why am I here? And for the next 20 minutes, I have this inner dialogue with myself. Why am I here? I don’t want to see this movie. I don’t want to do this. And after a while, I catch myself asking myself, why am I here right now? So I’m here with my fiancee. Am I here for her? It’s like, no, I’m not here for her, cause she would be okay with me leaving. She knows I don’t like this kind of movie. Am I here for my fiance’s friends who are there with us? No. I don’t actually care if I want to impress them or not. Am I here for me? No, I don’t want to be here. Am I here because I’m too lazy to stand up? Yes. That’s the reason why I’m still here. And I realize that’s a really shitty reason to be there. So after a while, 20 minutes into this movie, that just doesn’t fit my view of a good movie. I stand up and leave. So it takes me 20 minutes to get to know that I knew from the beginning that I wanted to say no to, but at least I got to the know.

[00:06:49] I think that’s an interesting example. Actually.

[00:06:53] Yeah. Yeah, I think so, too. And I think it’s. I mean, if you would have asked me if I would have been in that exact same situation a year ago, I would have stayed the full movie. And then I would have been very pissed afterwards.

[00:07:06] And you have been complaining about movie all the time. And now I’m a I left the movie and maybe I’m catching myself several times. Not saying it was a shitty movie in Central and say it wasn’t a movie that they did my taste. Which is challenging because I believe it’s a shit movie, but I want to say it doesn’t fit my taste.

[00:07:29] So I like that movie actually. So you’ve seen it? Yeah.

[00:07:32] So this Saturday I went out earlier this Saturday as well and I. Yeah. So it did didn’t. I’m not gonna say it’s a bad movie. I’m gonna say it’s not a movie for me. I only looked at the film though our total and nerding out and filmmaking at the moment. I love that. Okay. So why is it so important to say no? Then why? Why did you want to have this conversation today?

[00:07:55] Well, I think there are many reasons why I say no, it’s important, and one that comes to mind in this example is that I think saying no is a shortcut to being more authentic. And in this case, for two reasons. First of all, when. If you start saying no to things that you don’t really feel like doing and you only say yes to things that really resonates with what your heart wants or that you’re willing to do with CANNAVA Inner smile on your face because it will get you to a place where you can live out your passion. I think the more you just say no to things, that isn’t that I think the more you’re going to end up being the things that really resonates with your personality.

[00:08:44] So you’re seeing a lot of complicated words. And when you say being authentic with yourself, what do you done?

[00:08:51] Ok. So. When you say no to the things that you are, not the things that you are will remain. Think of it like if a sculpture is going to create a statue, he gets this big block of stone and his job now is to remove all the things.

[00:09:07] Nope. No, no, no. Don’t want that stone. Don’t want that stone until what is left is his preference. And that is his expression.

[00:09:18] So you’ve got this big let’s say the world is this big block of things. And if you say yes to everything, you will only be one big block of rock and you’re not really anything beautiful. But if you start saying no to a lot of different things that you can create, whatever is your most beautiful picture of the world is by knocking away those pieces of stone. And that becomes your authentic image of who you want to better.

[00:09:45] Exactly.

[00:09:47] And do you get to choose when you say no? Right. Because if you if you don’t make those decisions, someone else is going to make them for you. And then you become become someone else else’s that you what someone else think is nice, what someone else wants out of you and your life.

[00:10:02] And in my world, being less authentic, if you’re not saying no, then if then someone else will do that for you. Elaborate.

[00:10:11] Yes. So if.

[00:10:14] If you and I meet and we go through a movie and you want to see we’re getting stuck in the movie, you want to see some happy movie. Now, if I don’t say no. That means that I’m going to play out what is actually your version? You know, what is authentic for you?

[00:10:31] That’s how I ended up in the Joker movie because your hand I wanted to see it then.

[00:10:35] I really didn’t want to see it, but I didn’t say something. But.

[00:10:37] But you did it because you said no, right? Then you actually lived the life that you want and you become the expression of Erik that you prefer. And the more of your time that you spend doing things that you actually want, that your heart resonate with the more of. The more similar you would be to the statue you want to be.

[00:10:57] And if I would have been a little bit more prescence with myself and a little bit more aware, I wouldn’t say no. Even before the movie, because I already knew I didn’t want to see it.

[00:11:06] Yeah, it took a long time to cut away. That stone was real. And that’s fine, I think. And to me, that process that you’re going through for those 20 minutes, that is the beautiful part, not necessarily the result because that’s where learning took place.

[00:11:23] Yeah. Okay. So let’s see if I can paraphrase this in a good way. If you’re saying yes to everything. If you’re not saying no to the things you want to say no to, you end up living the lives of others. Because at the end of the day, every. Yes. You say to something is immediately something. No, not something else. If we stick to the movie example. Yeah. By me saying yes to going to the to the Joker means that I’m actually saying no to seeing the Lion King even though I would rather see the Lion King or go home, go to bed, rest. Wake up the next day and be creative with one of your passion cats by my room by saying yes to the dinner with your friend for that long as well. You said no to being rested and doing that video that you really look forward to. Exactly. So say if you don’t really want to listen to this podcast right now, say no and go to bed.

[00:12:18] Don’t listen to her. Stay on watch time.

[00:12:23] He has the structure, so you could say like this that you shouldn’t say no to things that Emily tells you to say yes to. Exactly. Then it makes sense, then it makes it’s OK to not be authentic as long as it’s you.

[00:12:39] I would be a great dictator. Joking aside, I think one other huge upside that you give to your friends in this situation by saying no to the movie is that if your friends can trust that, you will say no when you don’t want to do something. They will also trust that when you say yes to something, that you actually really want to do it. So the next time you and your fiancee goes to a movie and you sit there and you watch the whole thing, she knows that you liked it. She doesn’t even have to ask. Yeah, that’s true. So she has trust that you are enjoying the things you’re doing with her. She doesn’t have to sit there and have an assumption. And I wonder if Erik likes this movie or if this is too dark for him.

[00:13:24] That’s true. So you could basically sum that up as. If you can trust that someone will say no when they want to say no, you can also trust that when they’re saying just they really mean the Jets. Yeah, totally. The first thing that comes to mind for me now is the habit of saying, oh, this food tastes so good. If you’re kind of getting food from someone and just because that is so habitual and something that we have been taught to do since like forever, it doesn’t mean anything. Or if someone comes from the hairdresser’s like, yeah, nice haircut, it doesn’t really mean anything because you’re expected to say it.

[00:14:03] Exactly. So my roommate is taking this to the extreme, and whenever I play a song or I make food or I I ask him for something, he will always tell me. Now, I don’t like that song. It’s okay if I change. Or. I don’t like. Always saying when he doesn’t like something, which even if you don’t ask for it or just if you ask for it. If it’s music or something that he’s affected by, he will say, I don’t like this music. Is it okay if we change or shut it off? And so he’s always telling me if he doesn’t like something in the environment, which in the beginning I got offended by. But now I think it’s such a relief. I don’t have to worry if like, am I disturbing him right now because I know that he would tell me. So it’s so easy to live with him.

[00:14:57] But yeah, the key there is that he is affected by it. Let’s say you did come home with a new haircut, for example, and he thought that it was ugly. He wouldn’t say it was ugly. You didn’t specifically ask it?

[00:15:08] No. But if I did ask, he would say that. Or say. It’s not my preference. Yeah, it’s not my preference. That’s a good way of phrasing it. And I think these are tiny situations, but in especially in relationships, I think it makes such a huge difference. I remember you said, I don’t know where you got that from, but how important this is in sex. Yeah, it’s every that if you if you can’t trust that someone is saying no, if they don’t want to do something, you can also trust that they actually like what you’re doing. And it becomes. Yeah. The effect is even bigger. They’re the more intimate you are. And that’s why I used sex as an example. Now the more intense that effect becomes of not being able to trust someone that isn’t saying no.

[00:15:57] Yeah. And I think one one really good example of this, that I am guessing that everyone, at least everyone who had sex can relate to. And it’s one to actually stop having sex that.

[00:16:13] Okay, now I’m not really feeling that I want to do this anymore, but she seems excited or the other way around where where she might not be excited anymore. But I’m excited as like if if I’m not telling her I want to stop, I’ll just keep on going for her. And I don’t even know if she wants to do it or not doing it. We end up. Maybe both of us having sex with someone who doesn’t want sex while we don’t want to have sex ourselves.

[00:16:38] Yeah. Yes. Because what happens then if you feel like you have to do something you don’t really want?

[00:16:43] Yeah. I mean, both of us just creates negative associations to sex.

[00:16:47] Totally. And resentment.

[00:16:48] Yeah. It’s it’s just a really should it is really hard to say if I don’t feel like I don’t want to have sex anymore for whatever reason, maybe something popped into my head.

[00:16:58] It’s a really tricky thing to say and we haven’t been taught how to say it. And.

[00:17:05] At least before now, I’ve been I’m getting better at this, but before it was feel like, OK, if I’m saying that I don’t want to have sex anymore, is she going to feel that she’s not beautiful? She’s gonna feel that something is wrong with her. And I get all concerned about her when in fact it’s just. Yeah, I started thinking about this job thing that I’m actually really worried about. And it’s kind of killed the mood for me. But I don’t want to say that because then she knows that I’m thinking about work while we’re having sex and that’s not a good situation. So yeah, she can’t trust to no contrasty us.

[00:17:40] Totally.

[00:17:40] And saying something like that, if you’ve never done it before, it will break trust in the short term. Yeah. But I think over time. Wow. It builds so much, so much trust. Yeah, for sure. I think if you said those things. Yes. It would bother her that you’re thinking about work in bed, but she might suspect that you’re doing that anyway. If you look distracted, but she might think, is you thinking about porn? Is you thinking about some other woman? Is he thinking about. Am I unattractive? And she has no idea. You’re thinking about work.

[00:18:17] Yeah. I mean, she she always gets frustrated when we’re having sex and I’m taking notes and it’s like she started to think something is off.

[00:18:25] Then when she reads what I’m writing about business during business, then let’s let’s move on. We’re getting stuck on sex. It’s too too much of an interesting topic. And I’m saying no to talking about sex and saying, let’s move on. What’s the next point on the agenda? My good friend.

[00:18:46] So. Would you like to elaborate on saying no in business? And when and why that is important?

[00:18:59] So in business, saying no is so crucial.

[00:19:05] I really. I read this quote. I’m not sure it was from Steve Jobs or if it was from some other guy at Apple. But he said. Something in line with the brilliance of Apple isn’t that we do all the really, really good ideas, is that we say no to the really good ideas and we only do the best ideas. The key here is to say no to pretty much everything. So you can go on that super duper best idea and just do it. And I think especially like Apple’s perspective when you have that huge brand. If they would put that little Apple logo on a toaster, they would be able to sell it like crazy.

[00:19:48] But if they say just to the toaster idea, they would be toast.

[00:19:55] Putting on the Internet is too good not to do it. So I think it’s very, very crucial in business to say no, because you want to keep your focus. If you’re saying yes to everything just because you’re excited, you’re screwed.

[00:20:09] But isn’t that mostly if you are a big brand, then like, yeah, of course, Apple can do everything in the world. But let’s say that you have a small company. How would you know? How would you know which thing is the best and a great opportunity if you haven’t already suggest a bunch of different things? Unless you haven’t already tried everything that crosses your path.

[00:20:35] It’s a good point. I think that very early on in a business or in your life for that matter, it’s important to say yes to pretty much as many things as possible. But what becomes even more important then is to quickly say no, if you feel that this is not a good idea. So you can say yes to go into seeing the Joker movie, but only if you’re not going to stay to the end. If it sucks says pretty much the same thing if you try a new business idea. And if you realize 20 minutes into that business that this is not kind of work, you have to say no and give up, even if that means that you’re losing the ticket that you already paid for.

[00:21:11] Don’t you need to put some effort into learning something new, though, before it gets exciting? So, for example, I tried to learn playing the piano. If you’ve never played before, like learning to play the piano for the first time, it’s like the perfect recipe for a headache. Like nothing works. Trying to hit the right keys so you get no results. You can’t even play a song. So I quit. And yet I imagined that I would really enjoy the piano if I actually stick to maybe the first and the second and the third Joker movie Joker Four would be very enjoyable, you imagine?

[00:21:46] You don’t know. Probably it would still suck. Well, it’s possible. I mean, it’s possible that if you keep on struggling, you keep on fighting. It might get fun. It might become a good idea. But then again, maybe there is something else that is fun from the first try. If you just try five different things instead of sticking with a piano, that might be fun somewhere down the line if you’re sticking with his business idea. That doesn’t work the first week. Maybe it works the second year. Yeah. Or you go with something where you feel passionate, where it feels easy to do. Where you going? Somewhere where you see progress when you meet inspiring people. Whatever it is, if you’re looking for a lot of different things and you find things that you have a natural talent for it, that you really enjoy, that other people that you want to be around enjoy doing, then it’s gonna be easy.

[00:22:41] So those black and white choices are. Might be the easiest ones to make. Yet the reality is often more complex and grey. And on a scale, maybe you enjoy your startup life. Six out of 10. Those decisions becomes more challenging, but I think if you like something six out of ten that you’re doing. How would you resonate?

[00:23:06] So one thing that I read in in a book called Essentialism The Pursuit of Less, I think is called gradebook.

[00:23:18] Couple of years ago, he spoke about the 90 percent rule and it was you doing anything and you ask yourself, OK. On a scale from 1 to 100, how much how important is this to me? How much I enjoy it or getting a feel like how much do I actually want to do this either because it’s very meaningful or very joyful or whatever. But how much do I really want to do this?

[00:23:44] And if it’s anything less than 90, it said, then it’s a no. Because there are so many things in life that’s gonna be a six out of 10 that if you keep saying yes to all the six out of 10s, you’re never going to find the nine out of 10 or the ninety nine out of one hundreds because you’re stuck doing six out of tents. So I believe that the best way is to say yes as a note, anything that feels like a six because otherwise you will never find the nine or the ten or for that matter.

[00:24:13] For me, it really helps to have a pre-plan that says if I don’t want to do something at least a six out of 10, I don’t do it. Preferrably even higher. Maybe I want to do something. I’m a part of town. That much desire, that much meaning. I want to feel into it, to want to do it.

[00:24:31] I like that. So basically using the same kind of rule then. But you’re you’re already pre-decided that I need to be this excited about something to say. Yes. So whenever you’re feeling you’re in the ballpark. Out of 10, you know that that’s a no. You don’t need to make the decision with every 6 out of 10.

[00:24:49] Exactly. Because the other part about say no is to be able to deal with discomfort because you will, you always risk to disappoint someone. And even though it builds trust, I think in the long run, when you leave that cinema, you risk disappoint someone, you risk making you don’t know how your fiancee is gonna react. And the more I think, intimate the situation becomes, the more risk it is. So, for example, again, with the sex example, for me, I have pre-decided that if I don’t feel like having sex at least six out of 10 or more, my practice to practice I no is to say no. And then I know, OK. I feel like this now. I feel this huge resistance and intensity towards saying no, I feel like I might this appointer, but then I just do it because I already decided beforehand. There isn’t this huge dialogue in my head that is saying now you don’t have a simplified situation then and there.

[00:25:48] You’ve already made the rule for yourself. Innocense.

[00:25:51] Yes. I already made a rule that if I feel if I don’t feel more desired and this in the moment, then I will say no, regardless if it is uncomfortable.

[00:26:01] That’s kind of like me going to the gym. I know that I’m going there at 10:00 on Mondays. So if I’m feeling a little bit, I it’s raining outside. I don’t really want to do it. I still made up my mind. I’m going at 10 while if I wouldn’t have made that decision, I would say it’s raining. I’ll do it tomorrow and then it wouldn’t have happened.

[00:26:24] Exactly.

[00:26:24] And and to me, it especially helps if I’m if I’m in a state where maybe I’m not my best self. I don’t have that much energy. I feel a bit unclear then it really helps to have made that this decision beforehand. Otherwise, it’s it’s so easy for me to say now I don’t want to take this discomfort. I just try to do something I don’t want. Now, I don’t really want to go to the gym. I rather just stay home today. Okay.

[00:26:53] Okay. So that’s that’s the part about making the decision of saying no and just agreeing to them letting someone down in a sense. Then how would you go about that when you’re actually saying the words? No.

[00:27:08] Okay. So first of all, I’m obviously not doing this myself. I’m a hypocrite. We established that in the beginning of this episode that said, what would you say if I in the world of rainbows and unicorns. How would you do this? Yes. If I were to say no. I think. I like the idea of leading with saying no pretty quickly, so because if I’m going to reject someone, that person’s usually feel that that is coming. And if I make this huge preamble and saying a lot of words before, they’re going to feel like something is off.

[00:27:49] So I’m getting kind of stuck in the sex example here, which makes it feel weird. Kate, can you put this in another example, another context of when you’re saying a lot of things?

[00:28:02] Ok. I wasn’t into sex sex.

[00:28:03] I was still there, you know, if you start talking about sex with me, I’m not going to leave that topic. Got it. You need to paint me. Let’s first say grandmas panties, grandmas panties, grandmas panties. So now I’m out of the sex part. Let’s go somewhere else.

[00:28:18] So do you have an example for me that it’s gonna be much?

[00:28:20] It gives the left us a very strong view. You don’t want this dinner that you you had the other day and you wanted to say no to that. How would you go about that?

[00:28:31] That’s a perfect example. So if I call him and I say, hey, man. Oh, you’ve been away for so long now. I’m really looking forward to seeing you being at a dinner with you. That sounds like so much fun. You know, this week for me has been blah, blah, blah. Yes. He’s just waiting. Can you say it’s almost like a little bit of torture? So I would much rather. Lead with saying, hey, man. Tonight I felt pain and I don’t feel like I have the energy to have a dinner with you. And at the same time go up early the next morning and then say whatever I am going to do the next morning. So be quicker to know.

[00:29:16] Ok, so let’s put this. So let’s say it. I wish I had energy for the day. Let’s say it’s a it’s Monday at 5:00 and you’re supposed to meet him at 7:00 and you’re calling him and already seeing your number on the phone. He’s kind of feel like, OK, he needs he wants something. He wants to say something. And when you just start shit shouting like nothing has happened, it’s kind of obvious. Like, yeah, you wouldn’t call me to just chitchat because we’re meeting in two hours. Why don’t you just get to the point? Yeah, yeah, I can see that. It would be better if you just start something.

[00:29:51] I would have liked to say, hey man, I feel ashamed to make this call cause we have agreed to meet. And at the same time I feel. I wish I had energy to meet with you tonight. But unfortunately, man, I’m like a four out of ten. And I wish I had more energy. But if I if I saw you tonight, then I wouldn’t get the sleep that I need to do what I want to do for the rest of the week. So therefore, I’m gonna say no to seeing you.

[00:30:19] How do you feel? The two things that are hearing now that stands out in this is that you started by saying that you are you ashamed? Why that song? Why would you start there?

[00:30:31] If I’m feeling ashamed, so I probably would feel I imagine myself feeling a shame there because I have agreed to do something and then I’m changing my mind when it’s that close. And if I rather would have felt. I’m feeling like I’m being disrespectful for your time or I’m feeling like I’m being a bad friend, whatever it is, I would say that I imagine myself feeling a shame. Why would you lead with your emotions?

[00:31:10] Does it make it easier to say it’s kind of for you or does it feel a restaurant and casual or.

[00:31:18] I think I want him to be able to connect with me. And of course, I would only say something that I truly feel.

[00:31:26] Such feels respectful to say this is hard for me to kind of show that this is actually painful to do that.

[00:31:34] Yeah, exactly. I think but I’m not sure that that leads to a connection. Yeah, I can see that that’s a that’s a good pickup. And I’m glad you asked the question, am I doing that from a manipulative place? Maybe.

[00:31:49] I didn’t get the feeling of manipulative. I just I liked women.

[00:31:54] But it could have. You know, if you feel from saying something that I don’t feel, then that becomes manipulative. Yeah. Like if I’m saying that I’m sorry when I’m not. Or I’m saying that. Yeah. Anything that isn’t true becomes manipulative.

[00:32:11] Yeah, definitely. Kedzie leading with the emotion. And you do that because it. Well, I would add to that then it shows honesty like this is the honest thing. You’re actually already by saying I’m ashamed, you’re kind of saying, here comes the bad news. So you’re already there. You’re not bullshitting. You’re not gonna say, hey, buddy, I’m ashamed, but good to hang out with you today. I’m really looking forward to it. By the way, I can’t. That’s not gonna be the conversation. They are leading by. That gives an opportunity to connect. It shows honesty and vulnerability. And it shows that you’re actually struggling with something. But you want him. You want at the same time, want to say that you don’t want to do this because you want to build trust. No. Yeah. The other thing I picked up was you use the word wish. I wish that I. I wish that I. That’s not a common word. People use other. What’s the point of using that phrase?

[00:33:11] Well, I don’t want to say that. For example, if I say I don’t have energy. To see you tonight. That’s not really true, because if I actually if I really, really, really wanted to see him, I could probably find energy within myself, but instead, as I wish I had energy. And that is true. So I’m not lying, but I wish I had the energy. But unfortunately, that can’t be with you tonight without sacrificing what I want to do tomorrow. So it’s a way for me to say things that are true.

[00:33:52] Yeah. So you’d basically say, I wish I had enough energy to do both the dinner tonight and the thing I want to do tomorrow.

[00:34:01] Yeah. And it is. And it’s also a way to show that I would like to have dinner with. Because that is also true. I probably really wished that I had energy to do both.

[00:34:12] Yeah. And it shows it shows that you’re not saying no to him specifically. It’s not personal. Yeah. It’s just like you want to do this other thing as well.

[00:34:23] But if you would just to say, hey guy, I don’t want to meet you tonight. That could be a very personal things like, oh, he doesn’t like me. Oh, my breath smells funny or whatever it is.

[00:34:32] Yeah. Exactly.

[00:34:34] So again, with the sex example, I would say the same thing. Hey, I wish I see that you very into this or assume. But I wish I had energy to do this and this and this. Would you? But right now, unfortunately, I only have energy to cuddle with you and offer something else since that. Yeah.

[00:34:55] So how would you offer something else if it was this dinner example?

[00:34:59] It’s a very good question.

[00:35:03] Maybe reschedule, maybe. Can we. Can I call you in the week? Maybe asking, can I do something to really show that I want to meet you? If that is true, yeah.

[00:35:20] As I’m sorry. Can’t do it today.

[00:35:23] Well, how about Thursday at 7:00 instead or something like that, where you really already there showing that there is an alternative if there is an alternative? I can imagine a lot of the times where I wanted to say no to dinner. The reason is often that I want to say no. And then it’s hard to offer an alternative. Yeah, and it’s gonna be hard to say no. To be fair, it’s harder to say no. The times you want to say no because you want to say no. Then it is when you’re actually having somewhat of a reason for it.

[00:35:56] So I would put the limelight back on Mr. Bernanke before someone asks you for dinner. And or maybe you already agreed to go to there. But now you realize that you know what?

[00:36:10] I actually don’t want to go to dinner with this person.

[00:36:15] Some already said yes, but I’m catching myself.

[00:36:18] And after her toward realizing that this is not a relationship I want to put my energy into.

[00:36:25] So I’ll be honest and say that I would still go to the dinner if I had already said yes, because I wouldn’t.

[00:36:33] I wouldn’t be.

[00:36:36] Honest enough with myself to suck it up and say that.

[00:36:41] However, let’s say that I haven’t said yes already and I would.

[00:36:46] Then I’m actually getting better and better at saying no to these kinds of things and I’m getting. I’m getting into this situation every now and then.

[00:36:56] Then I’m really looking for what is the reason?

[00:37:01] So I had this situation quite recently with a friend who asked if he could come to a dinner where we were several people at that dinner is really tricky to say no to number six, who wants to come to a dinner. And at the same time, for me, it was important that that dinner was small. I wanted to spend time with these friends I haven’t seen for a long time, and I tend to be louder the more people we were.

[00:37:27] And they were two more people coming and.

[00:37:31] I really felt into like, I don’t want this dinner to be bigger. I wouldn’t mind to have dinner with just him and the other guy at a small setting as well. So the main reason why I didn’t want the dinner was that I didn’t want it to be a big setting that became the main reason, and that was Stroope. I don’t like big dinners among men who drink because it get loud and I don’t like loud dinners. So then that became my reason. And I say certain. I’ve been really looking forward to having these calm and peaceful dinner. And when we get more, people tend to get loud. And I don’t like myself in loud environments, which is actually true because I don’t get to interact in a good way. So I’m gonna say no because of that.

[00:38:24] And that’s a real live example that happened a couple of weeks ago. Mm hmm. But if I would have said yes already, I wouldn’t have. Been brave enough to stick to my no afterwards, then I would stick to my yes, I believe.

[00:38:41] So it’s another very interesting situation and I think we could find 100 of them so instead, because I don’t want this to escalate into a 15 hour podcast, I’m going to summarize by saying that what I learned today is that no is a very useful skill because it obviously happens in all areas of life. We figured out today we could talk about this for 15 hours with examples and to. Is that no is often a gray area. It’s not always that black and white. Well, the black and white ones are simple, but when it becomes a gray area, it can become really, really challenging. And the real world is messy. It’s not rainbows and unicorns. So I think this how to say no is something, too, for me to compliment, contemplate and explore with friends. Often.

[00:39:35] Yeah, I completely agree. And I think, what do you take with you? I think that it’s so important to realize that every every yes is a no to something else. Every time you go and see the Joker is the time you don’t go and see The Lion King regardless if you are making the decision or not, you’re always saying no to something else. To me, that makes it so clear that you need to be very picky with what you say yes to, because whatever you say yes to mean saying no to everything else at that moment and. It’s probably better to say no to too many things than to too few.

[00:40:16] Yeah. Yeah.

[00:40:19] Unless you’re a person who says no to too much already, then say yes to everything for a while. Again, complexity. Next week we’re talking about something easier.

[00:40:28] The only thing you need to say yes to is this. You can say no to anything else you want, but now say yes. Think yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. And then I’d like you to go to i-Tunes and rate this podcast with five stars.

[00:40:49] And then you will fall asleep and wake up wanting to watch all the episodes of the become a great podcast. I shared them to all your friends over and over and over.

[00:41:03] Thank you for having this book with me. Thank you. Thank you. This response was what I see and the shares by.